Kate divides her time between filing crime reports in Mandurah and sunning herself on George Clooney's yacht in Monte Carlo.

She will almost certainly never be Mother of the Year, but is in with a chance for the Miss Universe title once she decides which planet to represent.

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OF ALL the sports in all the world, it’s the ones with balls that really interest me.

Take soccer.

I know heaps about soccer. I'm practically an expert.

That's why I'm so excited about the FIFO World cup.

I can't wait to see the blokes who work on the oil rigs take to the field in their high-vis gear and steel-capped boots.

My favourite players are the MIG welders. They really know how to stick together.

Seriously, though.

I know all the major players. There's Ronaldo and Maradona and the other teenage mutant ninja turtle.

There's that Colombian who got confused which end to kick the ball, and there's the one who had a couple of hit songs in the 90s. Posh Spice, I think his name is.

He once used his cheekbones to slot a penalty kick for a come-from-behind win against Argentina.

Closer to home we have Harry Kewell, although he may have retired. 

It's hard to tell with soccer players.

They are such good actors you never really know if they're telling the truth or not.

Did that little trip really call for such on-field histrionics?

And did you know that the past 15 Best Actor Oscar winners have been professional soccer players?

Jack Nicholson was a brilliant striker and, more recently, Matthew McConaghey’s work in the mid-field has been superb.

Oh, but I'm told I'm not really supposed to call it soccer.

It's football, innit?

Apparently if you call it soccer you get a red card or something.

It's nice they give you cards.

I think it's quite thoughtful.

I would never throw a tantrum if someone gave me a card. That’s just rude.

Anyway, like I said, I'm super excited for the Brazilian games.

I think it's great that beauty therapists from all over the world will get to show off their waxing skills on the big stage.

It'll be tough, though.

One wrong move and they could be in strife quicker than they can say Escobar.

I just hope those international waxers know which end to aim for.

Go soccer!

What do you think? Are soccer players better at acting than their day jobs? Post your comments below.